Custard and Smileyface - 31 Dec 2015

"Often on Grand Dezignz I'm left to wonder about the extraordinary drive necessary to get these bespoke dwellings underway. Call it what you will - zest, drive, tenacity, even perhaps insanity - it was certainly evident when I met Yeigfried, a retrenched organic lawyer, and his partner Tiffany, a freelance hemp enthusiast, in their rented bed-sit in Brixton.

The sheer scale of their project was truly phenomenal - to redevelop an active giant galactic black hole into a pseudo-34th century mock-Tudor townhouse, with a functional trapeze room, on only 150,000 pounds.

When I last visited three months ago, winter had set in without the important decision on the colour of the attic's grouting. Adding to the usual burden of planning delays, equipment breakdowns, soggy underlay and the great British weather, their llama Guinevere had unexpectedly given birth to twins Custard and Smileyface.

Additionally, the global financial crisis meant that banks were unprepared for their request for a refinancing based solely on their digital stash of artisan Bitcoins, and Tiffany's grandfather's collection of remaindered bespoke Polywaffles."