Health in the 1950s - 11 May 2016

Prior to becoming a nun, young nurse Sally Field ably assists Dr Ron Howard (prior to his move to Milwaukee) in assessing the overall health of a patient of indeterminate gender and chemistry. The medical malpractice payout that resulted came to a total of 2 guineas, 4 florins, threepence ha'penny, and two quarter-farthings.

 

This picture was taken prior to the introduction of credentialing standards by AHPRA.

A World of Pure Imagination - 13 Jul 2016

Last week I was on leave and fortunate enough to be able to walk Matty the Wonder-dog to the farthest reaches of Blackburn North where I came upon the Australian Corrosion Association. I hid in the bushes, listened carefully, and was fortunate enough to come away with this transcript of a workplace conversation between two 'rusted-on' (BOOM) employees:

 

Bill: Morning John.

John: Kia-ora eh bro!

Bill: What's with you, John?

John: Don't you know, eh bro, I'm speaking like this to represent the In Zid part of Australasia eh?

Bill: I see. Well, did you encounter any interesting corrosions over the weekend?

John: Did I ever, cuz! There was a hole in the side of my chully bun that I saw when I put my jandles on. Sweet as!

Bill: I didn't know they made eskies of metal?

John: That's the choice thing about being from the South Island eh bro!

Bill: So tell me about the hole in the esky?

John: Don't rattle me dags, cuz! I'm getting to it bro! I was sitting on the chully bun to stick me jandles on and I fell straight through! I was pooped I was bro! It was puckerood - heaps munted!

Bill: I see. So are you happy being here in Blackburn North?

John: Better than Invercargill eh cuz!

 

In the unlikely circumstance you are interested in this sort of thing, you can join the Australasian Corrosion Association for only $75 and be sent the quarterly "Journal of the ACA", as well as the more practical-minded monthly newsletter, "Oxidise This!" which features some of the key developments in the world of corrosion and rust, handy tips for using chewing-gum to fix a rusty B747, and includes a column of blatherings by their agent provocateur columnist, Andrew Screw Loose.

 

Members of the ACA also enjoy reciprocal rights to attend events at other semi-professional interest groups, including the Paper Clip Manufacturer's Society of Queensland, the Asia-Pacific Name Badge Convention Committee, the Koo-wee-rup Celery Farmers' Promotions Society, and the Murtoa and District Haberdashers Amalgamated Collective. They are currently negotiating with the Batley Town Guild Women's League Historical Reenactment Society.

Marcia the Mushroom - 26 Apr 2016

"Comatose, I was!" reveals Marcia the Mushroom, an otherwise derelict suburban housewife and mother to 9.7 million spores from Nunawading, Vic. She is describing her mood on Friday after, she freely admits, she "knocked a few ones back" in a silent but drunken tribute to the artiste formerly living as Prince. "How can they keep me standing, alone in a world so cold?" Marcia demanded. "Why do we scream at each other?" she went on. Why indeed. "Dream if you can a courtyard - an ocean of violets in bloom." There's something in that for all of us. "Touch if you will my stomach, feel how it trembles inside," she digressed. Icky. 

 

Marcia's growing sense of despondency was lifted however when she came to, and found out about Thursday's $25 million  Powerball, which she believed had the power to transform her life and her growing megalopolis of offspring. "It's getting so nice and damp at the moment, my spores are having no difficulty sprouting. Why, I've got more front than Myer's now!" she revealed, talking about a now nearly-forgotten chain of Department stores. "With all that moolah I could possibly sort-out one specific problem from our file-saving system. And if that doesn't work we could just print it all out and stick in some filing cabinets - there's an idea!"

Agapi the Alpaca - 18 Apr 2016

Deep in the pampas of Patagonia, three little baby alpacas make their way in the world.

 

On the left we have Huayna Capac, named after a mighty King of the Inca, considered a 'Son of the Sun' who ruled an empire stretching across the Andes from Darien in the north to Antofagasta in the south until the coming of the Conquistadors. Huayna enjoys eating grass and chasing his sisters.

 

In the middle we have Popocatapetl, named after the mighty volcano at the heart of the Aztec Empire, not that far from Tenochitlan, now Mexico City, revered as a messenger of the Gods. 'Popo' loves to sleep and do somersaults.

 

On the right we have Agapi, named after the daughter of a mighty fruiterer on an Australian TV "comedy" show. Agapi is a bit cheeky but hopes to one day become taller.

 

Whilst these three siblings romp across the grasslands, they are preoccupied with a range of issues. Agapi does not understand the SQL errors she is receiving. Popo has received another WHS report about someone not in her supervisory chain. And Huayna has not approached the correct 'touchpoints' to discuss which 'service tower' should be sorting out her Outlook issues.

Gertrude the Goose - 11 Apr 2016

Kenny Brockelstein: Welcome back to Springfield's own Channel 6 Action News! We now cross live to our intrepid reporter, Gertrude Goose, at the BMX event in the forest. Come in Gertrude.

Gertrude: Thank you Kent. It's another glorious day here in the Springfield Forest, the fourth most scenic forest in the state. Well, as you can probably make out behind me there's some exciting excitement occurring here. There's bikes, they're going downhill, some guy's coming ahead of someone else, and there's rocks all over the place. It's not something you'd ever see me do. I'd make a complete goose of myself.

Gertrude the Giraffe - 21 May 2015

Today I would like to introduce to you Gertrude the young Giraffe. She has fallen asleep after an argument with her mother about her choice of bedtime music. Her mum Hyacinth was slightly stressed after a paroxysmal day at the office dealing with C-class filing cabinets. Mum: "Darling, I don't like you listening to Def Leopard. We giraffes don't like leopards." Gertrude: "Mum, typical, that attitude is so like, totes '90s. That's not how the savannah's going down now, Mum. Some of those leopards are like totes amaze-maze. You need to like so totally get it, Mum." We could all help Hyacinth out by thinking about giraffes whilst we spend our winning millions.

Spot the Greyhound - 10 Jun 2015

We are lucky we live in a country where life is pretty comfortable. But it could be just a little bit more comfortable. $22 million more comfortable. We could let sleeping dogs lie or we could do nothing at all about it. But we have chosen to do something.

Enceladus the Eagle - 10 Oct 2016

Link to Australian Geographic
This is Enceladus the Australian Wedge-tailed Eagle. As you can see Enceladus is having a dispute involving Marty the Magpie. Whilst Marty may have a bit of a peck about, it is clear to all and sundry that Enceladus will come out of this situation well.

Here are some of the pertinent facts regarding this dispute:

* He started it.

* It wasn't there before.

* What happened was, right, well, it all started right, ...

* How was I supposed to know?

* I did try, you know

* I obviously can't read org charts like you can. Are you happy now?

* Won't you please grow up

* You know, I've never liked your mother

* Actually, I am bigger than you

* You call that a beak? This is a beak.

* I couldn't have - I wasn't here on Tuesday

* OK then, bring Hitler into it, see if that works why don't you

* I had filed it, you berk, but it's in Objective somewhere so obviously I can't find it.

* I don't need to calm down. I AM CALM, BLOODY DAMN IT YOU GALLOMPHING FREAK

* I didn't realise you actually did have that disease but I JUST DON"T CARE OK?

Egbertina the Echidna - 28 Sep 2016

Last year when visiting my sister's farm, we had a close encounter with Egbertina the Echidna, who wandered over the grass in the garden and dug herself in when approached. I went to my sister's farm again this week however Egbertina was nowhere to be seen! What has become of her?

 

We can only assume that she has joined the throngs in suburbia, beavering their way through the inwards at the Department of Nonsense, a place very much like this one. Here's another typical day:

 

6:05: Alarm.

6:20: Breakfast. Ants.

6:45: Leave for work. Looks like rain - better put the raincoat on for the walk to the station.

6:46: Raincoat punctured by my spines.

7:05: On the train. Magic would be good here. Maybe "Flatulenco expelliarmus"

7:50: At the office. Put lunch in the fridge.

8:05: Derek from accounts came over and talked about the latest health scare with his pet goldfish Igor. Not really interested but at least it delayed the report on the banana production targets.

8:26: Computer system problems. We're being told that when we finally get Windows 95, these error messages involving squirrels will disappear. I like ants, not squirrels.

8:45: Stationery ordering time. Goldfarb from Production is telling me I should get the squarey-triangular paper clips, not the round type. I said I wouldn't do it - there was too much store in the round ones. He suggested I conduct a non-binding plebiscite and then do what he wants anyway.

10:50: Snack time. Dried ants.

11:00: Work meeting on security. I'll be fine! I'll just roll up into a ball.

12:20: Lunch. Ants. They were a bit cold in the fridge so zapped them. Mabel from Marketing was a bit put out. "Ants in the Microwave!" she screeched. I told her to try one. She ran away crying,

1:00: Manager called me in. Mabel was there. I said what was more ridiculous - ants in the microwave, or an echidna in the office. She said that wasn't helpful. I said would she prefer ants in the toaster. She said that wasn't helpful either. I said I can suck them out through my nose. She said that now I just wasn't trying. I said Mabel was very trying too.

1:03: Meeting ends.

1:04: Equity course. Grumble. I can't see how the word "microwave" and the word "ants" are such big problem. This equity course really isn't getting to the heart of the issue.

2:30: Rang the 'Help Desk'. They said I was important to them. I said a few choice words but I was on hold so only Enja was listening. I don't want to sail away - how will I find ants?

2:46: Ended up speaking to Wilfred, one of the Touchpoint Coordinators told me he couldn't help. Hang up.

3:30: Afternoon tea. Ants.

5:12: On the train. The fluff lady strikes again. She backed off when I raised my spines.

5:50: Walking home from train. Ads at bus stops talk about new action movies or takeaway dinners. Not really interested.

6:35: Dinner. Crumbed fried ant schnitzel on a bed of crushed ants with mint sauce and shallots, followed by ant crumble.

7:30: David Attenborough: "Termites of Africa, Part 7". Such a delight. Had some dried ants while watching.

8:40: In bed reading "Termites of the Kalahari - a pictorial history".

Otto the Dog - 1 Jul 2015

Let us introduce Otto. He's a little under the weather as you can see. 'Tired and emotional' possibly. Or maybe just socially inept.

But Otto is happy. Because rather than spend our money getting blotto, we've spent it on Lotto. Through an unexplained subplot, this gives Otto a chance at eternal happiness.

Loopy the Labrador - 19 Aug 2015

Hello! It's your old pal Loopy the Labrador. I'm up to my neck in it here, and so I didn't have enough time to make sure the numbers fell our way in OzLotto last night. That means we didn't win anything, let alone win $20 million like 3 people did.

 

I know, I'm devastated too - can you tell? But what can you do? Just keep digging and you'll find your way! And some lunch! Woof woof!

Caesar the Dog - 28 Jul 2015

Boys, Girls, Minions,

 

Lend me your fears. I come to bury Caesar not to praise him.

 

Actually Caesar is still alive. Here he is. He has had a rough week with the Computer Help Deskauto-closing job numbers through their various Service Towers* without any Fulfilling Touch Point Experiences*, and he is just waiting for millions to fall from the sky so he can be Fulfilled*, as they claim. He has left some Artefacts* outside, which, in IT speak, form a Collection* (*These are all actual terms used by IT!)

To help Caesar along in his quest, I have purchased some lotto tickets on your behalf for this Saturday's $21 million Lotto Superdraw. This means that he, and you, are "Receiving Entities" and I am a "Hand-off Entity". This is my Touch Point Role.

 

Good luck!

Gertie the Goat - 20 Jul 2015

Below is a goat photo that I tried to send through from home the other week that didn't get through our firewall (the source of many goats going missing). So my comments about seeing a lot on my years on the Frankston line but not this, probably make more sense now. Certainly the dress sense is better than for many (particular past about Mordialloc). I can see that the twin issues of ears and horns would cause problems for goat hat designers. Something to think about for Spring racing.

Dotty the Dachshund - 21 Mar 2016

MADISON, Wisconsin, Friday (AP): Researchers here announced Friday they have made a discovery they think could fundamentally realign the relationship between humans and computers. Tired of long-running issues of slow processing times, delayed multitasking, and frozen programs, Professor Sigurd Nordqvist of the Behavioral Research Institoot of U-WI (Madison) tested the impact various breeds of dogs had on resolving complex computer problems.

 

    Prof Nordqvist's team announced his team had, in an accidental research sidebar, been blown away by the impact Dachshunds had in successfully resolving 11 out of the 13 set tasks assigned to different dog breeds. "We were looking for complex reasoning, algorithmic processing pathways, binary input protocols and the like. What we got instead was a dog that saw the computer and created her own world. A dog that took control of the machine, rather than the other way around."

 

    Some of the 13 set tasks tested on breeds as diverse as Malamutes, Great Danes, Labrador Retrievers and Dobermann Pinschers included an ability to reboot the machine during a so-called 'Blue Screen of Death' crisis, resetting Wi-Fi, selecting an anti-virus program, instagramming a recent gastronomic experience, and composing a homily to their departed parents. "Malamutes were hopeless," said PhD student Flambert Englebert. "They just wanted to go outside and chase each other. They had no concept of higher-level reasoning."

 

    Dotty the Dachshund however (pictured), adopted a completely different approach. By lying belly-up on the keyboard, she initiated a neural connection and a new plane of existence. "She was connected. She was able to breeze through all the tasks. We are looking at a super-dog. There is no limit to where this research will go - we will now see if she can independently arm intercontinental ballistic missiles whilst asleep and charging," said Prof Nordqvist. "HAL-3000, eat your heart out."

 

    The research team will also continue with a second round of research - seeing if cigarette-smoking dogs will be even chiller and calmer and sharper and produce even more dramatic results. Prof Nordqvist denied that the project's aims were at all influenced by $5 million research funding from Laramie's Tobacco (TM). "Not at all," said Prof Nordqvist, drawing on his trademark UltraMild 20's. "But I would point out that only Laramie's has that smooth, mild taste that dogs love, and that refreshes their T-zone. The fact of the matter is that more vets recommend Laramie's. Now with a glass and half of tar in every packet. Laramie's. Tell them Sigurd sent you."

Orlando the Owl - 4 Nov 2015

Hello, I'm Orlando Owl. With me are my colleagues Ocsober, Oktoberfest and Orson. We have been on the panel established to examine why we have failed to win Lotto.

After extensive public consultation, feedback sessions, intra- and inter-departmental working groups, an exhaustive taxpayer-funded 'roadshow' at key governmental locations (Tahiti, Bermuda, Cannes, Rio), we have issued a number of findings about our failure to win $$$millions.

These findings can be summarised as follows:

* Other people won

* The numbers drawn were wrong

* The numbers were not on the correct lines

* It's not fair

* The feelings of the drawn numbers were not taken fully into consideration.

Key recommendations of the panel include:

* Massaging the correct numbers to make them feel happier and better equipped to come out of the barrel

* Winning more frequently

* Using a random excuse generator to more properly inform the public

* Going online to avoid the costs associated with real people

* Crafting a Mission Statement, logo and advertising jingle

* Providing retirement income for numbers coming out of the barrel so they do not feel financially stressed and concerned about their children, children's children, etc

* More sandwiches at taxpayer-funded workshops

* Little bits of salmon on the top would be nice

* A postal system better designed to transport individual cheezels to Bermuda

Claude the Camel - 3 Oct 2016

This is Claude the Camel.

"Sir, soy milk?"

Claude is in the cafe reflecting on his long and illustrious career at the Department of Nonsense.

"Yes thanks."

"We don't actually have soy - this is soylent green instead."

"Sounds good. Carry on. "

Claude's mind wanders back to the halcyon days. The days when men were men and camels were camels. The days, he thinks, when they got things done. He sips. The coffee needs something else.

"Sir, one lump or two?"

Claude ponders further. Maybe nothing got done. Hmmm. He thinks back. His mind escapes out of the optimistic frame of mind. Images flash before him:

* The great tea trolley disaster of '86. Ursula and the Iced Vo-Vos heading down the corridor towards Trevor-in-Accounts from Weston-super-Mare.

* The time they ordered the wrong paper clips. 200,000! And they weren't even round! They were the other type!

* The Office Space Realignment Survey in '91 which recommended all desks be relocated 7mm closer to each other.

* That brief period of time when Objective worked.

* Overtime. What a time to be alive.

* The time they were ordered to find something in the filing because Canberra needed it, and they actually found it. That was the end of Perkins obviously.

"Sir, one lump or two?"

Claude is brought back to Earth.

"How dare you man! I am a Dromedary. I have ONE hump! I will not stand for those Bactrians!"

"Sir, I am sorry if I caused offense - I was merely enquiring whether one wished one lump of sugar or two?"

"Oh! I see! I thought you were one of those militant Bactrists from BUCK covering up their two humps and pretending to be Dromedaries. Sad!"

"BUCK?"

"Yes - the Bactrian Unihumped Camel Kollective - a very dangerous organisation!"

"I see."

"Anyway, I do go on. How much for the coffee?"

"Sir, that's three bucks."

"BUCK? Begone with you! I knew it! The plot thickens!"