Dotty the Dachshund - 21 Mar 2016

MADISON, Wisconsin, Friday (AP): Researchers here announced Friday they have made a discovery they think could fundamentally realign the relationship between humans and computers. Tired of long-running issues of slow processing times, delayed multitasking, and frozen programs, Professor Sigurd Nordqvist of the Behavioral Research Institoot of U-WI (Madison) tested the impact various breeds of dogs had on resolving complex computer problems.

 

    Prof Nordqvist's team announced his team had, in an accidental research sidebar, been blown away by the impact Dachshunds had in successfully resolving 11 out of the 13 set tasks assigned to different dog breeds. "We were looking for complex reasoning, algorithmic processing pathways, binary input protocols and the like. What we got instead was a dog that saw the computer and created her own world. A dog that took control of the machine, rather than the other way around."

 

    Some of the 13 set tasks tested on breeds as diverse as Malamutes, Great Danes, Labrador Retrievers and Dobermann Pinschers included an ability to reboot the machine during a so-called 'Blue Screen of Death' crisis, resetting Wi-Fi, selecting an anti-virus program, instagramming a recent gastronomic experience, and composing a homily to their departed parents. "Malamutes were hopeless," said PhD student Flambert Englebert. "They just wanted to go outside and chase each other. They had no concept of higher-level reasoning."

 

    Dotty the Dachshund however (pictured), adopted a completely different approach. By lying belly-up on the keyboard, she initiated a neural connection and a new plane of existence. "She was connected. She was able to breeze through all the tasks. We are looking at a super-dog. There is no limit to where this research will go - we will now see if she can independently arm intercontinental ballistic missiles whilst asleep and charging," said Prof Nordqvist. "HAL-3000, eat your heart out."

 

    The research team will also continue with a second round of research - seeing if cigarette-smoking dogs will be even chiller and calmer and sharper and produce even more dramatic results. Prof Nordqvist denied that the project's aims were at all influenced by $5 million research funding from Laramie's Tobacco (TM). "Not at all," said Prof Nordqvist, drawing on his trademark UltraMild 20's. "But I would point out that only Laramie's has that smooth, mild taste that dogs love, and that refreshes their T-zone. The fact of the matter is that more vets recommend Laramie's. Now with a glass and half of tar in every packet. Laramie's. Tell them Sigurd sent you."