The sisters of Mary Immaculate - 31 Oct 2016

Sister Mary: It's hard isn't it?

Sister Theresa: Indeed it is sister.

Sister Josephine: I don't know how she did it, and this is when it's empty!

Sister Beatrice : It is truly a miracle.

Sister Clementine: Sally Field made it look so effortless.

Sister Mary: Yes, and with such grace.

Sister Theresa: Maybe it was the wing flaps?

Quiz time - 31 Aug 2016

Pay attention!

1. In terms of the valance electrons of the oxygen atoms, explain the chemical bonding properties of sugar.

2. Using only emojis, name the street in which all hope died for you.

3. Outline methodologies for determining the translation of the term "vacuum cleaning" into a range of modern European languages.

4. Using the red ochre soil of central Australia, two lamingtons, and four paperclips, create a functional organisational chart.

5. Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore. Link this event to coastal mercantilism in post-Vesuvius Naples.

6. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite colour?

7. Using only passive first-person, narrate a snowflake's journey through the hell envisaged by Dante in 'Inferno".

8. Using only two heiroglyphs, explain Ferdinand Magellan's exploits.

9. Using only fruit analogies, describe the last episode of a drama show you watched.

10. Why? Discuss.

11. Peter has eight oranges. Amanda has ten, as well as an apple. Provide a contractual context for this equation.

 

12. Discuss the overlapping areas of portfolio responsibilities between the ancient Greek and Roman gods.

13. Dudley Moore, Pope Pius XII, Tony. Compare and contrast.

14. Describe which of the following theses you would prefer to read, and why:

(a) Stationery supplies and their logistics on the German Eastern Front, 1942-1944

(b) Tlokweng Road Speedy Motors: car workshop architecture in post-colonial Botswana

(c) The Cassini Gap in Saturn's ring system: New theories by Donald J. Trump

15. Optional sports question: Define "winning" in the context of space-time.

Bertie the Broccoli - 29 Apr 2016

In a paddock on the top of a hill,
A dirty old farmer got a big thrill.
It was darkness, it was the night
When I first got a mighty big fright . 
In comes the farmer with his knife,
Cutting and slashing all through his life
He looked at all my lovely big leaves
And hacked off my florets as quick as you please
My life as a broccoli was surely over
I'd soon be ploughed in for some clover
I was screaming and I was sore
I'd never had my top ripped off before
Eating veggies is wholesome and pure? 
Realise you shouldn't be so sure
What we go thru ain't so great
So you get some veg on your plate 

When you go to the shops for some kale

It's really your soul that is for sale

When you look at some cauliflower curd

You might be turning into quite a turd

Attack a broccoli you'll hear some screams 

It'll come for you in your dreams 

Heartache, woe, spurts of blood

Revolution comes in a great big flood 

Kale, cauli, sprouts and me,

Brassica, baby, are born to be free

Everybody sing now-

FEED THE WORLD,
Let them know it's time for ham
FEED THE WORLD,
If you're kosher then try some lamb
FEED THE WORLD
Save the poor old broccoli
FEED THE WORLD
Let's all think of poor Bertie

(Authorised by E.J. Spatchcock for the Australian Abattoir Industry Development Fund)

George the Dalek - 3 Feb 2016

George was a happy little Dalek. He had been travelling through time and space on behalf of Davros, destroying untold civilisations. George's happiness about this situation wasn't the result of being pathological, you must understand; rather he was a machine, and this is what he was programmed to do. What is joy? What is happiness? Neurons, computer chips, silicon, power sources. End of discussion guv, nothing to see here - move along. One day whilst destroying Dalek enemies in some backwater part of the continuum with his dedicated and highly professional team (Mildred, Douglas, Bertrand, and of course Wally), George started having a variety of systems issues. His rotors wouldn't engage, his short-term memory started to fail, and his voice started to crack, so that he sounded less like a staircase-defying mass-exterminator, and more like a castrati. Alarmed by these developments and considering the WHS risks involved, George did what he was programmed to do - he rang 1800 DALEK, the all-hours, all-time, all-planets help line established on Skaro during the last administrative rearrangement.

 

When George explained his various problems to Penny, the operator, he was told that a range of contracting issues would prevent all of them being solved straight away. First of all, in accordance with the Dalek Repair Manual, Volume 4, Section 5, Chapter 2, for the rotor problems, he was advised that help services for this function had been sub-contracted to the RACV, and due to his remote location there would be an extra charge. Additionally all their operators were busy right now so he'd have to stay where he was and wait. He then asked Penny about his short-term memory issues and was told this sounded like a neurological problem that would require a referral to an off-base on-list service provider. George made sure that Penny would sms him the appointment details given his memory problems. Moving on to the voice problems, Penny advised that Dalek Voice Services would need to intercede, and possibly upgrade his operating system from Ice Cream Sandwich right up to Marshmallow. This would take him off line for a while and he wouldn't be able to make calls, even emergency calls. A technician was on the way, and could he just stay on hold a moment longer?

 

As the battle raged around him whilst Enya's 'Orinoco Flow' played in his earpiece, George was still a happy little Dalek as the planet he was now trapped on fell into a massive intergalactic black hole, unsuccessfully renovated into a mock-Tudor trapeze room in the previous episode of Grand Designs.

 

How does this relate to Powerball?

 

It doesn't. But it does put our winning track record into an inter-galactic, multiversal context.

Big Kev - 29 Feb 2016

George: He's closed his eyes!

Ringo: Goodness!

Big Kev: I'm from Queensland.

Ringo: Whatever are we to do?

George: Well, our mission is clear. Our command is clear. We must do as we were told.

Big Kev: I'm here to help.

Ringo: Are you sure?

George: Sure of what?

Big Kev: You know folks, as I was saying to my very close compadres at the United Nations the other day, East Asia has gone through a dramatic realignment in the past few decades. Did you know just as one dynamic example that China's production of those little brown paper bags that yours truly as a happy little vegemite might get a dim sim or three in, has had production increase 80-fold. 80-fold!

Ringo: That he is the chosen one?

George: Isn't it clear? Look at his nose. One day Chumpo here will save the galaxy.

Big Kev: But it's not just dim sims. It's wontons as well.

Ringo: So I guess we must.

George: That's right.

Big Kev: Fair shake of the sauce bottle - Okonomiyaki also.

Ringo: We can't let him leave him can we?

George: We also can't give the game away.

Ringo: Best we blend into the landscape whilst offering protection. I'll take his tummy.
George: I'll take his left shoulder and line up with his nose. He won't suspect a thing.

Big Kev: That's all from me folks - I'd better zip.

Ringo: You bet you are.

George: You bet I am.

PS: Stay tuned for Cedric the Turkey. He was unavailable for this draw due to his winning a free ride on the Blimp.

Wembley the Wombat - 29 Jul 2016

Forest .... Darkness. Night falls. Still, cold air. A sound. Cracking twigs. Movement. I pause - listen. Heart beating. It comes. It is upon me. From the darkness it emerges.

"Hello! Do not be afraid. You are but a youngling. You have much to learn, but also much to teach. Join us!"

 

Wembley the Wombat leads me to a clearing. There, a conclave of wombats gathers. I am led to the most senior - a wizened, wise old wombat, white tufts of fur visible in the still moonlight. "Youngling - sit here. My name is Uncle Bulgaria. With me are Orinoco, Tomsk, Tobermory, Bungo, and Wellington. The Wombats of Warburton Common are we. Underground, overground, wombling free. That is what we do, child."

 

A flash, a bolt of light. The air is electric - a pulse raced through my body. All the wombats gaze at me.

"Could it be?" mutters Orinoco.

"It must be!" acclaims Bulgaria. "The prophecy is true! Get the sacred pelt!"

There is a scrambling as this artefact is found.

Chanting starts. Bulgaria places a heavy coat over me. "Youngling!" he acclaims, "This coat is made from the hides of our ancestors. It is the sacred bond that connects us to our forewombats. We are happy it is with you. You are now The Chosen One!"

After the ceremony, Wembley approaches me with congratulations. "Phew!" he whispers. "You came at just the right time! We've been looking for a new holder of the Sacred Pelt since the further naughtiness of Cardinal Pellt!"

Polly the Rescue Goat - 17 Jan 2017

As we enter an uncertain period in the world, it is good to recognise the work being done by many to make the world happier, safer, and more flumpy.

 

You may recall a spate of crimes committed last year by people dressed in clown suits. In a practical yet forceful counter to this trend, goats are now being deployed at key strategic centres (such as Aisle 8 at Coles) dressed in duck suits. These goats are especially sleepy and specially trained to sooth even the most savage clown, again bringing peace and prosperity to the world. 

 

OK this is actually a true story - I'm not kidding! This is Polly the rescue goat, who is being cared-for by Goats of Anarchy, a group of New Joisey-based volunteers carrying for 'special needs goats'. Polly is blind and has anxiety and other neurological conditions and has yet to be referred through the appropriate form to an appropriate service provider. In the meantime, the duck suit apparently calms her down. Goats of Anarchy have an Instagram account and other media if you want to see pictures of Polly in a range of other calming suits.

Kit Kat Farmers of the Languedoc - 25 Aug 2016

PRESENTER: Now for our special extended presentation - "Kit Kat farmers of the Languedoc".

REPORTER: Here, in this region in the south of France, where the terroir is just right, farmers like Henri Corbusier, seen here with his pig Snuffy, fossick around their properties until they stumble on fully-fledged Kit Kats, or Quit Chats as they are known here.

 

MONSIEUR  CORBUSIER: Il peut les renifler d'un mile! Son schnozzle est tout simplement incroyable!
(He can sniff 'em a mile away! His nose is just incredible!)

REPORTER: But all is not well in the Languedoc.

MONSIEUR  CORBUSIER: Ces gens désagréables de Nestlé pensent qu'ils possèdent le Quit Chat! Nous les avons trouvés d'abord!

(Those nasty people from Nestle think they own them! We found them first!)

REPORTER: It is hard to keep up the family tradition of artisan produce, selling for 31 Euros a pop, when a giant global conglomerate is producing similar products in factories all around the world  at a fraction of the price . But Monsieur Corbusier argues his product is something special.

MONSIEUR  CORBUSIER : Depuis onze générations de ma famille est agriculteur ici. Pourquoi, même Napoléon lui-même avait un! Trente et un euros peut sembler beaucoup, mais comment vais-je acheter une nouvelle veste?   

(For 11 generations we've been farming here. Even Napoleon had one from here! 31 Euros seems a lot, but how else can I ever buy a new cardigan?)

REPORTER: Additionally, the Brexit vote has added to uncertainty about the Common Agricultural Policy, which subsidises the Difficile Quit Chats to the tune of 86 Euros each.

MONSIEUR  CORBUSIER : Le 'ashtag #Brexit! C'est stupido! UN POX!!! C'est GGGRRRRRR!!!! Le #$%^&&!!!!! L'angleterre c'est #@#$!!

(#Brexit! This is a highly emotional issue!) 

 

REPORTER: Whilst a single European market is still a reality, for now, the special EU Protected Source of Origin status protects Msr Corbusier. Just like Parma hams can only be produced in a single geographical region and purchased only at Jo and Bazza's on Blvd. Papa Guiseppi, the Languedoc Quit Chats are preserved and protected. For now, Henri and Snuffy plod along, searching for their prizes. But, for how much longer? This is Wilfred Escargot reporting.

 

PRESENTER: Next week's special reporting on regional French cuisine will cover Le Wagon Wheel. Remember, always eat Le Wagon Wheel.

Tabitha the Tapir - 9 Mar 2016

This here is a photo of Tabitha the tapir. She doubtless has a fascinating story which we will explore when we get closer to World Tapir Day (27 April - mark it in your calendars now!)

 

In the meantime, here are some very totally extremely funny tapir jokes that I have invented myself. (Aren't I clever! And modest!)

 

Why did the tapir climb the fence?

Tapir over the other side and see what was going on.

 

What do you call a tetrahedral arrangement of tapirs?

A tapiramid.

 

When tapirs head down to the local for a quick one, what sort of drink after they after?

One that is on tap here

 

What do you call a tapir fascinated by fire?

A tapyromaniac.

 

What do you call a tapir worried his fellow tapirs are after him?

Tapiranoid.

Jerome the Giraffe - 25 Jul 2016

Why hello there! I'm Jerome the Giraffe. I'm a Management Consultant from Twice Slaughterhouse Bloopers. I've been brought in by your bosses to look at how we can make your workplace more vertically-focussed and maximally-oriented! What fun! Now, obviously, later on we'll be breaking into syndicate rooms with butcher's paper. OMG! I'm up to my neck in that stuff! I'm really thrilled to be here - tremendous! Now we'll be working together on what I like to call "The Blame Spiral" for the next seven weeks - Grand! So we need to just introduce ourselves and talk about what drives us to be here - to perform, to outperform - oh this is so exciting! So we'll go around the room - we'll say * who we are; * what our job is; * why we're here, * what type of cheese we'd like to be; and * what we should talk about in The Blame Spiral. Scintillating!

* We'll start with me! I'm Jerome, I'm passionate about competencies, I'm here because of the sandwiches, I'd like to be Swiss Cheese because of all the bubbles, and I'll wait and see what to blame! Oh - let's go around the room anti-clockwise today, starting next to the portrait of Lenin!

* Hello, I'm Philomena. I'm in product development on the new model -the one with the orange stuff. It's not really that exciting. I'm here because my boss said I was interfering with team dynamics. I like camembert - soft and mushy like me. I blame my boss, Kevin.

* I'm Kevin. I'm from the United Nations. I'm here because Syria's under control, baby, so I can be here for seven weeks no problem. I like blue-vein cheese because maybe it's got a heart. I blame Objective.

* Hi everyone, I'm George, I'm from the Cephalopod Recovery Unit - we skin the goolies, pulverize them, and then stick 'em in jars and sell 'em for 80 quid. I'm passionate about model railways. I'm not really into cheese. I blame them.
* I'm Alan. I'm an accountant. I'm very happy to be here - can we have some cheese please?

Harry Hooter and the Non-Ministry Approved Verses - 9 Dec 2016

Harry and Ginny sitting in a tree,

Thinking of supper - what will it be? 

Neville and Luna on a long-dead tree,

Pondering ancient prophecy

Trying to develop a silly pun

Whilst wondering who is The Chosen One

What has it got to with a tree?

Is it because of TREE-law-ney?