Penny the Peeved Penguin - 26 Oct 2015

This is Penelope the peeved Penguin. Penelope's currently under the care of Aunty Beryl (pictured) whilst her parents, George and Mildred, are away. George and Mildred came from opposite sides of the ice floe but met during a close shave with a couple of seals. Together they were Trotskyites at Uni but soon settled into a life of domestic bliss and/or drudgery. Lately, particularly with the birth of young Penny, they have become increasingly disenchanted with their vapid suburban demi-opulence and are now seeking self-actualisation at a management retreat out on the Ross Sea. Now, thinks Penny, Aunty Beryl's great for some pumpkin scones and even a pack of Burger Rings once in a while, but you know what would give me some self-actualisation? A nice big regurgitated fish thank you very much! #KeepingItReal

Casper the Slightly Content Koala - 11 Sep 2015

Tick the box. Are you:

(a) somewhat satisfied

(b) satisfied

(c) mildly disinterested

(d) hungry

(e) chronically attitudinally deficient

(f) don't know

(g) JUST TELL ME THE #&$&^# POWERBALL RESULTS NOW IT"S THE #*$(&#* WEEKEND DON"T YOU KNOW PEOPLE I"VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS #*(&@!! PLACE AND ....

 

Settle.

 

Casper here is mildly happy. Not very happy. We didn't win $15 million although it did go off and there is even now a quite self-satisfied person in Adaminaby or Wolligoroopna or somewhere busily gold-plating their front lawn.

Alan the Ant - 7 Dec 2015

People think (possibly based on reading these emails) that only mammals and birds have workplace difficulties, issues with fax machines, etc etc.

 

Not so. Introducing Alan the ant.

 

People probably know that drones are taking over the world. People think they'll be used for such noble causes as finding terrorists, delivering pizzas, and inspecting falcon nests on office buildings. In fact, most of them will be used to perv on the neighbourhood.

 

But by far the world's biggest number of drones are ants like Alan. There's estimated to be around 100 trillion ants on the planet, and most of them are male worker drone ants like Alan and his mates Bruce, Darrell, Bazza, Dazza, and Gazza, They make up the Sector 7 crew and just yesterday they had a major problem with worms in tunnel 4A. Some of the issues they took to their worker's collective meeting following the incident included:

* Boots and protective equipment for only 2-4 legs, not 6

* Antennae dangerously exposed

* Worms are squishy and big.

* Inappropriate use of some tunnels for personal hygiene - who's in charge here?

* Lack of access to our WHS computer systems

* My thorax is nearly touching the ground

Phineas the Pheasant - 8 Sep 2015

"Hi everybody, I'm Phineas the Phabulous Pheasant. You would have seen me phluttering around phor a moment in Oxfordshire on Sunday in 'Grand Designs'. I was phloored with some of the pheatures of that phabrication. What a pholly! Such amazing pharnarkling!

Watch out! I have to go now! Danny and his dad are coming, and they have raisins! He thinks he's the Champion of the World!* Hey, these raisins taste great! Doesn't taste like any kind of sleeping pill I know! I pheel phine! .... Oh.   .... Do I?  [plonk]"

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_the_Champion_of_the_World

 

{Sorry folks, this is the first one of my little friends to die during the course of an email. Details soon of the arrangements - er I mean phuneral}

The Owls are Back - 7 Jan 2016

Oh! It's you again. Look, I thought we'd gone through this - I told you why you hadn't won Lotto a while ago. Remember? The numbers were all wrong.

But still you persisted, and now you're back, and now you want me to tell you how hopeless you are, again? Whilst I'm busy here with Ocsober and Otto's gone a bit blotto? Also, I've got a washing on and there's another murder in Midsomer I'm keeping my eyes on. I can't just stand here and gawp you know? 

On Saturday there was a $30 million Lotto draw. There were 15 winners of $2 million each. Sadly, we didn't feature. Some of the winners included:

* Ernest Radcliffe, a 48-year-old retired trumpet player from Normanton, Qld.

* Percy Petunia, a 34-year-old refrigerator repairer from Walgett, NSW

* Graf Warner von Heinz-Josef Osnabruck, a 75-year-old Aldi store manager from Merbein, Victoria

* Jocelyn "Mad Cat" Smith, a 32-year-old unemployed hitwoman from Busselton, WA

* Fred McNugget, the 14-year-old heir to a worldwide chicken empire, residing (for tax purposes) in Bermuda

Stella the Stegasaurus - 12 Dec 2015

This is Stella the Stegosaurus. You might think her life in the late Jurassic (150 mya) is a little removed from yours, but actually it's quite similar. Just tick-off the list below to see where the similarities start:

 

* Putting sunscreen on the littlies. And hats just aren't fitting on the heads of the twins Wilma and Wilbur.

* Cycads for lunch, ferns for tea. When will someone invent flowering plants?

* Carnivores. Always a worry. Especially at lunch time.

* Asteroids. They'll get us one day, just you watch.

* File storage cabinets. Hard to open without opposable thumbs.

* Aldi has opened lots of stores in Laurasia. When will they open in Gondwana?

* Very hard to get to sleep when they are filming 'The Flintstones' in the quarry next door.

* The child star who plays Bamm-Bamm is particularly objectionable and his parents' constant demands for alcohol are unseemly.

Custard and Smileyface - 31 Dec 2015

"Often on Grand Dezignz I'm left to wonder about the extraordinary drive necessary to get these bespoke dwellings underway. Call it what you will - zest, drive, tenacity, even perhaps insanity - it was certainly evident when I met Yeigfried, a retrenched organic lawyer, and his partner Tiffany, a freelance hemp enthusiast, in their rented bed-sit in Brixton.

The sheer scale of their project was truly phenomenal - to redevelop an active giant galactic black hole into a pseudo-34th century mock-Tudor townhouse, with a functional trapeze room, on only 150,000 pounds.

When I last visited three months ago, winter had set in without the important decision on the colour of the attic's grouting. Adding to the usual burden of planning delays, equipment breakdowns, soggy underlay and the great British weather, their llama Guinevere had unexpectedly given birth to twins Custard and Smileyface.

Additionally, the global financial crisis meant that banks were unprepared for their request for a refinancing based solely on their digital stash of artisan Bitcoins, and Tiffany's grandfather's collection of remaindered bespoke Polywaffles."

Milo the Mutt - 1 Dec 2015

This is Milo the mild-mannered mutt from Mill Park, nicely N-sconsed (for now) in Nunawading.

Look at those ears fly!  Is he cray-cray for Tay-Tay? No, he's shaking it off for other reasons. Some of his reasons include:

* Our file storage system. (Where to even begin).

* Drive size limits. Where is a dog to store his smell collection?

* Voicemail. Hard to access - ear piece doesn't connect properly. Also no landline connection to kennel.

* National Broadband - still waiting. Mr Turnbull, please respond.

* Ergonomic seating. Backrest provides additional ability for the chair to be pushed-around the garden, but increases weight and stability issues. (WHS learning from Master Kumar).

* Don't employ canine accountants. One biscuit, two biscuits, three biscuits, all gone.

The Dream is Over - 13 Nov 2015

Very sorry to report that the $70 million was won but not by us. Three syndicates won 23.3M each. I am speculating here but I expect the winners were:

• An unemployed chicken sexer from Jarrahdale, WA
• A syndicate of fairy floss company employees from Adaminaby, NSW
• An unnamed mining magnate from Western Australia who requests privacy at this challenging time

The south of France might be off but if you want to hear the Hey now song En Zed may still be a goer, eh bro? Stick this little guy in a chilly bun and send him down a glacier to the dairy eh cuz?

Hello there - 18 Jul 2016

Look, buddy, it's like this - I don't know you and you don't know me. You ain't seen nothin', you got that? Now scram.  I'm blending in, get it? This is your imagination. If I stare at you long enough, you will disappear. These are not the droids you are looking for.