Tabitha the Tapir - 9 Mar 2016

This here is a photo of Tabitha the tapir. She doubtless has a fascinating story which we will explore when we get closer to World Tapir Day (27 April - mark it in your calendars now!)

 

In the meantime, here are some very totally extremely funny tapir jokes that I have invented myself. (Aren't I clever! And modest!)

 

Why did the tapir climb the fence?

Tapir over the other side and see what was going on.

 

What do you call a tetrahedral arrangement of tapirs?

A tapiramid.

 

When tapirs head down to the local for a quick one, what sort of drink after they after?

One that is on tap here

 

What do you call a tapir fascinated by fire?

A tapyromaniac.

 

What do you call a tapir worried his fellow tapirs are after him?

Tapiranoid.

Jerome the Giraffe - 25 Jul 2016

Why hello there! I'm Jerome the Giraffe. I'm a Management Consultant from Twice Slaughterhouse Bloopers. I've been brought in by your bosses to look at how we can make your workplace more vertically-focussed and maximally-oriented! What fun! Now, obviously, later on we'll be breaking into syndicate rooms with butcher's paper. OMG! I'm up to my neck in that stuff! I'm really thrilled to be here - tremendous! Now we'll be working together on what I like to call "The Blame Spiral" for the next seven weeks - Grand! So we need to just introduce ourselves and talk about what drives us to be here - to perform, to outperform - oh this is so exciting! So we'll go around the room - we'll say * who we are; * what our job is; * why we're here, * what type of cheese we'd like to be; and * what we should talk about in The Blame Spiral. Scintillating!

* We'll start with me! I'm Jerome, I'm passionate about competencies, I'm here because of the sandwiches, I'd like to be Swiss Cheese because of all the bubbles, and I'll wait and see what to blame! Oh - let's go around the room anti-clockwise today, starting next to the portrait of Lenin!

* Hello, I'm Philomena. I'm in product development on the new model -the one with the orange stuff. It's not really that exciting. I'm here because my boss said I was interfering with team dynamics. I like camembert - soft and mushy like me. I blame my boss, Kevin.

* I'm Kevin. I'm from the United Nations. I'm here because Syria's under control, baby, so I can be here for seven weeks no problem. I like blue-vein cheese because maybe it's got a heart. I blame Objective.

* Hi everyone, I'm George, I'm from the Cephalopod Recovery Unit - we skin the goolies, pulverize them, and then stick 'em in jars and sell 'em for 80 quid. I'm passionate about model railways. I'm not really into cheese. I blame them.
* I'm Alan. I'm an accountant. I'm very happy to be here - can we have some cheese please?

Harry Hooter and the Non-Ministry Approved Verses - 9 Dec 2016

Harry and Ginny sitting in a tree,

Thinking of supper - what will it be? 

Neville and Luna on a long-dead tree,

Pondering ancient prophecy

Trying to develop a silly pun

Whilst wondering who is The Chosen One

What has it got to with a tree?

Is it because of TREE-law-ney?

 

Public Servants on Parade! - 17 Oct 2016

I was sorting some of my email archive the other day and discovered an email regarding the Institute of Public Administration Australia (IPAA)'s 2013 "A Day in the Life of a Public Servant" photo competition. (It's true! See here: http://www.ipaa2013.org.au/get-involved/photography-competition)

 

Unfortunately I haven't been able to find the winning picture. I expect it will be something like:

* Winifred, a teacher, helping a disadvantaged pupil read the word 'antidisestablishmentarianism'. (Qld Dept of Education)

* Tracy, a part-time nurse, performing an emergency tracheotomy using her Vercingetorix knife to stop a patient dying (NSW Health Dept)

* George, an animal welfare officer, supervising the burning of animal carcasses following a foot-and-mouth outbreak (WA Dept of Agriculture)

* Brenda, a quarantine officer, inspecting a newly-imported high-end goat (Andie the Angora - see photo below) for lice and fleas (AQIS)

 

Whilst these are all noble enterprises, I am sure the winning photo would have missed some of the more important moments in the Day in the Life of a typical public servant. Here are some photos that didn't make the final cut:

* John, an accountant, looking through his agency's Enterprise Agreement for the bit on special leave

* Jenny, a Customer Service Representative, slicing up her apple for morning tea

* Jeffrey, a Communications Liaison Interface Representative, emailing a colleague regarding access to the folder where the emails about access to the folder are kept

* Rajeev, a Public Affairs Officer, talking to the boys in the office about his win in the family table-tennis tournament

* Roderick, an IT Technician, closing an internal IT service request because it's not part of his touchpoint service delivery responsibility

* Ismail, a Special Advisor to the Minister, photocopying responses to an FOI request from the Sydney Morning Herald regarding travel expenditure

* Percy, a Technician, carefully counting the Twirl bars still unsold from the branch social club's chocolate drive

* Tony, a Contract Administrator, logging a job to get the toilet soap dispenser to work for the whole day, not just mornings

* Lance, an Interfacing Supervisor, commenting to colleague Josh about how filthy the windows are

* Constance, a Trainer, ordering room service from a hotel room in Nowra whilst on a work-related visit to deliver Ethics training to local staff

* Keegan, a WHS representative, laminating posters on how to avoid overheating the laminator by laminating posters warning of overheating laminators

* Barry, a Customer Service Officer, finding his flex sheet on the Department's information retrieval system

* Debbie, an Enforcement Compliance Cooperator, requesting extra sprinkles on her donut at 7-Eleven during down-time after a raid

* Derek, a Compliance Purveyer/Initiator, completing a compensation claim relating to a fall resulting from the half-squished kiwifruit on the staircase left by ...

* Jonathan, a Personal Assistant, gazing out of the window at the Commonwealth flag, fluttering in a light south-wester

* Barbara, a Business Analyst, writing a business case to allow recruitment of two more business analysts to write business cases justifying other business cases

* Tony, a Contract Administrator, carefully crafting an analogy involving apples, oranges, and a supermarket bakery section

 

Ron the Aardvark (formerly Aaron) - 2 Dec 2016

Reuters - Sarajevo, Bosnia-Hercegovina, Friday: Whilst signs of the bitter ethnic conflict that tore this nation apart twenty years ago are ever-present, most Bosnians carry on their workaday lives, intent on making a break from the past. One way though that Bosnians are still reminded of the price they paid for the conflict is the desperate measures the government is taking to pay-off national debt incurred during the war.

 

Professor Dr Grg Vrklc is the curator of the "Sarajevo Instityt Mikrosoft Splchk-Grammtiky" (Bosnian Language Institute) and also self-styled president of the Bosnian Vowel Liberation Movement, set-up after the nation's treasurer announced another three-year vowel export deal with Finland and Estonia. Under the terms of the deal, 20,000 vowels (top-heavy in a's) are sent by container lorry to the more consonant-challenged northern extremities of Europe.

"It is ghoulish and disgusting" says Dr Vrklc. "The Bosnian language didn't have many vowels to start with. Now we are selling our prized language ... and for what? It's because of those bastards!" He gesticulates wildly to the hills above the city, from which nationalist forces of the Republika Srpska besieged the city for four years, resulting in the deaths of 15,000 - ironically using the city's 1984 Winter Olympics venues as bases.

"What does Finland need with more vowels? It is a mockery!" intones Dr Vrklc. He notes its former Prime Minister was Maarti Aartissaari. "I hear they are building a museum in a city called Aalsuumoo called the Oeaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiuuaiiauaaaaa Sentrum. It is farcical! Just think what a difference those letters could make to soap opera dialogue!"  

 

Sarajevo Zoo is not safe from the cleansing of vowels. Aaron the Aardvark, a popular animal with Bosnian children since 2011, is now called Ron.  He remains an aardvark though because alternatives, including Earth Pig, Earth Bear, and Ant Bear, all contain similar numbers of vowels.
 

But Grg shows me one small victory. Out of his pocket he brandishes the letter "e". "Finally! I can become Greg! Only two vowels away from becoming George!" Greg explains that he paid 50,000 zlotys to a shady businessman who claimed his name was Igor, Igor and his henchmen held-up a container lorry and 'repatriated' Bosnian vowels. But there was no guarantee that he would get an 'E'. "I could so easily have become Grug!" he explains.

Greg's happiness is short-lived. As our interview concludes, his children have their vowels stripped by government officials. "No!" shouts Greg. "My son Bob and my lovely daughter Trudi! I can't believe she has become a Trd!"

Orin the Orangutan - 16 Dec 2016

This is Orin the Orangutan. One of our number has just come across him in Sabah and sent through this breathtaking photo. Orin has just been told that he will be trained to become a public servant, that most munificent of all occupations.

 

Some of the important tasks that Orin will be learning over the next little while at the Borneo Orangutan School of Order (BOSO) will include:

* Hair care

* Contacting help desks

* Assigning job numbers using a random number generator

* Reorganising filing cabinets

* How to place people on hold

* Morning tea coordination

* Light switch and window blind control

* Fire evacuation hat wearing

* Duplicating and then shredding the same documentation

* Rewriting things in different templates

* Casting colleagues in our next musical production

A Win from Wynn the Welsh Whorned Whrino - 14 Jun 2016

OK, well I've been writing these things for long enough now. Time for you guys to do the heavy lifting. Just choose your options from the brackets to create a wonderfully textured and uplifting story to celebrate our impending lotto win.

 

----------

It was a typical Sunday in suburbia. It was (hungry / pissing down / slathered in politicians / lathered and in the bath). After a while I made my way to (Bunnings / Officeworks / Masters / a generic furniture store). As I disentangled myself from my (car / boat / bicycle / dog leash / monorail), I spied a sausage sizzle in support of (the Templestowe Tumblers Junior Gymnastics squad/ crowd-funding the story of our branch / sending Billy the allergic parrot to a neurosurgeon for a brain scan). Helping myself to a sausage with (guilt / bread / onions / mustard / eco-quinoa), I spied out of the corner of my eye (a hot-air balloon crash-landing as is "perfectly normal" in the car park / a lion eating my innards / a display of new products / shopping trolleys hurtling towards me). I realised at that moment that I was (a rich source of protein / unimpressed with Jasmine the tumbling twelve-year-old / fat and bloated / a slave to the money then you die, yeah yeah).

 

Once inside the store I made my way down aisle 49 until I bumped into (Tahlia's dad from netball / some bloke with a ladder who thought I worked there / Geoffrey Edelsten / Lady Gaga / the local MP) who was looking for (fork handles / four candles / a nice frame to stick a dazzling photo of Wynn the Welsh Whorned Whrino (above) / a link to a file in Objective /a sausage / my support in the upcoming / a Welsh worm farm (for leeks) / decolletage / a meat hook). We had a short chat about (How the latest translation of Anna Karenina beautifully captures the dark, soul-destroying bleakness of a long Russian winter / the price of sausages / the doom that is to come / why Tahlia's not playing nicely anymore / the dangers of hot-air balloons and how zeppelins are superior in every way / Ronnie Corbett and Prince).

 

Hearing the word ("bespoke" / "snug" / "cantilevered" / "precision German engineering" / "floating"), I gravitated over to an area where Kevin McCloud had been brought-in to give a talk. He was discussing how to turn a (perfectly good paddock in West Sussex / verdant woodland with thriving colonies of squirrels and pheasant / quaint 19th century townhouse in Leicester / disused quarry) into (a disused quarry / a large hole in the ground covered with eco-polystyrene made from recycled salvaged gremlins / a mortgagee's auction / a couple of chairs sitting in the middle of a forest of concrete) armed only with (an inexplicably large number of young children / slaves, basically / a couple of planks, a rubber band, two trolleyloads of lager and a bunch of blokes from down the local / an episode of 'MacGyver' / a fey bespectacled eco-designer called Desmond / a second mortgage and a large overdraft facility).

 

Suddenly, I realised I needed to check my lotto ticket. Comparing the numbers I realised I had won (second prize in a beauty contest / a life-changing amount of money / nothing at all). This win was (tremendous / terrific / disappointing / sad / #OMG!!! / emoji central) as it would finally allow me to (live as a hermit in a small disused quarry / cast Dudley Moore as a character in "Our Department: The Musical!" / send Jasmine the tumbling twelve-year-old and her troupe of teenage tearaway tumblers to the Twelfth Triennial Traralgon Tumblefest / buy a perfectly good 19th century townhouse in Leicester / get the dog a sausage also).

Twin ducklings - 9 Nov 2015

Hi folks,

I'd like to introduce you to Flaubert and Flambee. These well-intentioned young ducklings are showing all the signs of a healthy and lovely disposition, and in their tiny little minds they are beginning to philosophise about life's big issues - where is mummy? Why does my hair do this? Does this wormhole lead to another dimension? When do I get to travel on an airship? What about a dirigible? A zeppelin even? Maybe a blimp then?

This idyllic existence will all come crashing down in a few months when they come under the unfortunate but mercifully short influence of a young up-and-comer, Jacques-Gerard Pompidou, whose newly-minted restaurant outside of Bourdeaux will serve them up as a bit of a scene-stealer on a bed of ... (Oh sorry, I should have added a parental advisory just before).

Sally the Seal - 15 Feb 2016

Yes, hello. Look, it's me, Sally the Seal here. I've just had a difficult morning with the security paperwork and computer access. Also they say my security pass doesn't look like me. WHO DOES IT LOOK LIKE? But, anyhoo, that's all sorted now.

 

Look, I know you're trying to take photos of the penguins (lovely aren't they? Especially for breakfast. Chicken. They tell me they're a bit like chicken. Only crunchy. They are also organic and totally gluten-free. Also can you imagine all the Omega-3 they've got going on in there?) so I won't keep you long.    

Merlin the Meerkat - 19 Oct 2015

This is Merlin the baby Meerkat. He has entered the Meerkat Academy for Sentry Duty. This course may be eligible for state and federal government funding, and he'll come out with an internationally recognised certificate, covering all aspects of the role, including posture, attitude, sniffing the air, and staring, He'll get to showcase his quality in a dynamic and fast-paced industry with worldwide job opportunities. Of course, taking the lead from today's empowered job market, he will complete the course online at his own pace, surging ahead of other applicants, from the comfort of his own home. Where will he take his career?

Penny the Peeved Penguin - 26 Oct 2015

This is Penelope the peeved Penguin. Penelope's currently under the care of Aunty Beryl (pictured) whilst her parents, George and Mildred, are away. George and Mildred came from opposite sides of the ice floe but met during a close shave with a couple of seals. Together they were Trotskyites at Uni but soon settled into a life of domestic bliss and/or drudgery. Lately, particularly with the birth of young Penny, they have become increasingly disenchanted with their vapid suburban demi-opulence and are now seeking self-actualisation at a management retreat out on the Ross Sea. Now, thinks Penny, Aunty Beryl's great for some pumpkin scones and even a pack of Burger Rings once in a while, but you know what would give me some self-actualisation? A nice big regurgitated fish thank you very much! #KeepingItReal

Casper the Slightly Content Koala - 11 Sep 2015

Tick the box. Are you:

(a) somewhat satisfied

(b) satisfied

(c) mildly disinterested

(d) hungry

(e) chronically attitudinally deficient

(f) don't know

(g) JUST TELL ME THE #&$&^# POWERBALL RESULTS NOW IT"S THE #*$(&#* WEEKEND DON"T YOU KNOW PEOPLE I"VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS #*(&@!! PLACE AND ....

 

Settle.

 

Casper here is mildly happy. Not very happy. We didn't win $15 million although it did go off and there is even now a quite self-satisfied person in Adaminaby or Wolligoroopna or somewhere busily gold-plating their front lawn.

Alan the Ant - 7 Dec 2015

People think (possibly based on reading these emails) that only mammals and birds have workplace difficulties, issues with fax machines, etc etc.

 

Not so. Introducing Alan the ant.

 

People probably know that drones are taking over the world. People think they'll be used for such noble causes as finding terrorists, delivering pizzas, and inspecting falcon nests on office buildings. In fact, most of them will be used to perv on the neighbourhood.

 

But by far the world's biggest number of drones are ants like Alan. There's estimated to be around 100 trillion ants on the planet, and most of them are male worker drone ants like Alan and his mates Bruce, Darrell, Bazza, Dazza, and Gazza, They make up the Sector 7 crew and just yesterday they had a major problem with worms in tunnel 4A. Some of the issues they took to their worker's collective meeting following the incident included:

* Boots and protective equipment for only 2-4 legs, not 6

* Antennae dangerously exposed

* Worms are squishy and big.

* Inappropriate use of some tunnels for personal hygiene - who's in charge here?

* Lack of access to our WHS computer systems

* My thorax is nearly touching the ground

Phineas the Pheasant - 8 Sep 2015

"Hi everybody, I'm Phineas the Phabulous Pheasant. You would have seen me phluttering around phor a moment in Oxfordshire on Sunday in 'Grand Designs'. I was phloored with some of the pheatures of that phabrication. What a pholly! Such amazing pharnarkling!

Watch out! I have to go now! Danny and his dad are coming, and they have raisins! He thinks he's the Champion of the World!* Hey, these raisins taste great! Doesn't taste like any kind of sleeping pill I know! I pheel phine! .... Oh.   .... Do I?  [plonk]"

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danny_the_Champion_of_the_World

 

{Sorry folks, this is the first one of my little friends to die during the course of an email. Details soon of the arrangements - er I mean phuneral}

The Owls are Back - 7 Jan 2016

Oh! It's you again. Look, I thought we'd gone through this - I told you why you hadn't won Lotto a while ago. Remember? The numbers were all wrong.

But still you persisted, and now you're back, and now you want me to tell you how hopeless you are, again? Whilst I'm busy here with Ocsober and Otto's gone a bit blotto? Also, I've got a washing on and there's another murder in Midsomer I'm keeping my eyes on. I can't just stand here and gawp you know? 

On Saturday there was a $30 million Lotto draw. There were 15 winners of $2 million each. Sadly, we didn't feature. Some of the winners included:

* Ernest Radcliffe, a 48-year-old retired trumpet player from Normanton, Qld.

* Percy Petunia, a 34-year-old refrigerator repairer from Walgett, NSW

* Graf Warner von Heinz-Josef Osnabruck, a 75-year-old Aldi store manager from Merbein, Victoria

* Jocelyn "Mad Cat" Smith, a 32-year-old unemployed hitwoman from Busselton, WA

* Fred McNugget, the 14-year-old heir to a worldwide chicken empire, residing (for tax purposes) in Bermuda

Stella the Stegasaurus - 12 Dec 2015

This is Stella the Stegosaurus. You might think her life in the late Jurassic (150 mya) is a little removed from yours, but actually it's quite similar. Just tick-off the list below to see where the similarities start:

 

* Putting sunscreen on the littlies. And hats just aren't fitting on the heads of the twins Wilma and Wilbur.

* Cycads for lunch, ferns for tea. When will someone invent flowering plants?

* Carnivores. Always a worry. Especially at lunch time.

* Asteroids. They'll get us one day, just you watch.

* File storage cabinets. Hard to open without opposable thumbs.

* Aldi has opened lots of stores in Laurasia. When will they open in Gondwana?

* Very hard to get to sleep when they are filming 'The Flintstones' in the quarry next door.

* The child star who plays Bamm-Bamm is particularly objectionable and his parents' constant demands for alcohol are unseemly.

Custard and Smileyface - 31 Dec 2015

"Often on Grand Dezignz I'm left to wonder about the extraordinary drive necessary to get these bespoke dwellings underway. Call it what you will - zest, drive, tenacity, even perhaps insanity - it was certainly evident when I met Yeigfried, a retrenched organic lawyer, and his partner Tiffany, a freelance hemp enthusiast, in their rented bed-sit in Brixton.

The sheer scale of their project was truly phenomenal - to redevelop an active giant galactic black hole into a pseudo-34th century mock-Tudor townhouse, with a functional trapeze room, on only 150,000 pounds.

When I last visited three months ago, winter had set in without the important decision on the colour of the attic's grouting. Adding to the usual burden of planning delays, equipment breakdowns, soggy underlay and the great British weather, their llama Guinevere had unexpectedly given birth to twins Custard and Smileyface.

Additionally, the global financial crisis meant that banks were unprepared for their request for a refinancing based solely on their digital stash of artisan Bitcoins, and Tiffany's grandfather's collection of remaindered bespoke Polywaffles."

Milo the Mutt - 1 Dec 2015

This is Milo the mild-mannered mutt from Mill Park, nicely N-sconsed (for now) in Nunawading.

Look at those ears fly!  Is he cray-cray for Tay-Tay? No, he's shaking it off for other reasons. Some of his reasons include:

* Our file storage system. (Where to even begin).

* Drive size limits. Where is a dog to store his smell collection?

* Voicemail. Hard to access - ear piece doesn't connect properly. Also no landline connection to kennel.

* National Broadband - still waiting. Mr Turnbull, please respond.

* Ergonomic seating. Backrest provides additional ability for the chair to be pushed-around the garden, but increases weight and stability issues. (WHS learning from Master Kumar).

* Don't employ canine accountants. One biscuit, two biscuits, three biscuits, all gone.

The Dream is Over - 13 Nov 2015

Very sorry to report that the $70 million was won but not by us. Three syndicates won 23.3M each. I am speculating here but I expect the winners were:

• An unemployed chicken sexer from Jarrahdale, WA
• A syndicate of fairy floss company employees from Adaminaby, NSW
• An unnamed mining magnate from Western Australia who requests privacy at this challenging time

The south of France might be off but if you want to hear the Hey now song En Zed may still be a goer, eh bro? Stick this little guy in a chilly bun and send him down a glacier to the dairy eh cuz?

Hello there - 18 Jul 2016

Look, buddy, it's like this - I don't know you and you don't know me. You ain't seen nothin', you got that? Now scram.  I'm blending in, get it? This is your imagination. If I stare at you long enough, you will disappear. These are not the droids you are looking for.