Hello, I'm Orlando Owl. With me are my
colleagues Ocsober, Oktoberfest and Orson. We have been on the panel established
to examine why we have failed to win Lotto.
After extensive public
consultation, feedback sessions, intra- and inter-departmental working groups,
an exhaustive taxpayer-funded 'roadshow' at key governmental locations (Tahiti,
Bermuda, Cannes, Rio), we have issued a number of findings about our failure to
win $$$millions.
These findings can be summarised as follows:
*
Other people won
* The numbers drawn were wrong
* The numbers
were not on the correct lines
* It's not fair
* The feelings
of the drawn numbers were not taken fully into
consideration.
Key recommendations of the panel include:
* Massaging the correct numbers to make them feel happier and
better equipped to come out of the barrel
* Winning more
frequently
* Using a random excuse generator to more properly inform
the public
* Going online to avoid the costs associated with real
people
* Crafting a Mission Statement, logo and advertising
jingle
* Providing retirement income for numbers coming out of the
barrel so they do not feel financially stressed and concerned about their
children, children's children, etc
* More sandwiches at taxpayer-funded
workshops
* Little bits of salmon on the top would be nice
* A
postal system better designed to transport individual cheezels to
Bermuda
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